This is what breaks my heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRXjqpfOnS0

This is emotional. Problem is ignorance will never go away. I wish that we lived in a world where people could be who they are without the fear of being teased. I think that anyone who experiences this they need to speak out. I mean you will never stop bullies NEVER they have been around longer then the word itself but seriously speak out rise above hate and accept the world for what it is.. Everyone fights a battle so who are you to bring them down with hurtful words? Smile at someone today it could change their life. Also the more we encourage kids to speak out I think the more lives we will save. There are way to many young brilliant souls being lost to this. Suicide is NOT an option lets help these kids. Some say you don't know how to help them... How about starting with parenting skills. Teach compassion, empathy, LOVE, acceptance only then can we start changing the world.. One kid, one adult, we can't do it alone we have to band together and make a global movement..... Lets start with our own hearts and go from there. 

Insatiable Love

My thoughts for you are a little scattered, my need for you is driving me mad, I miss you so much when you are not near, I feel lost without you here, I need your touch, kisses, and stuff. I need to feel your breath upon my neck, you lips upon my skin, I want to hear you whisper my name I want you to repeat it over and over again. I wish I could crawl inside your chest and be with you always. Its suffocating how much I love you.

My thoughts for this afternoon.

I look at life as a big bowl of jelly really, sometimes you get stuck but for the most part you wiggle your way through. Sometimes you don't know if you can pull another breath from your lungs but yet manage it some how. It's an eternal struggle to keep smiling when you don't know when your next meal will be or if you are going to be warm on the cold night, or even if you children see how poor you are. It's a struggle everyday to make sure they don't feel the strain or the responsibility of what you are going through. The main goal needs to be keeping them healthy, happy and safe. Its a struggle to do that sometimes but yet you always manage to do this. You always manage to wiggle through this jelly that keeps getting sticky. I know that it was a choice to have kids, I know that this was risk to have kids, but never in my life did I ever feel that I was going to have to go hungry to feed them, or huddle under the blankets to keep them warm or hide the tears of being a failure and make them laugh instead. I have to agree with Frank Zappa he once said  "the illusion of freedom will continue, as long as it's profitable to continue the illusion. At the point when the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will take down the scenery, they will pull back the curtains, they will move the tables and chairs out of the way and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theater." He knew this was gonna happen and I'm sure people laughed at him. I have to say the reason for the struggles we are faced with everyday is due to the government finally pulling back that curtain and asking us if we are enjoying the show. Personally, I am not enjoying the struggle that has been introduced and I am surely not the only one here. I am not complaining really, I am just sitting back here thinking that I didn't sign up for this and neither has anyone else that has to struggle daily like I do. I get tired of it makes you stronger, it builds character, it makes you appreciate the little things etc.... Ok but here I am thinking, I was strong I am getting weak, my character was pretty damn good before this, I appreciated everything from the air I breathe to the most materialistic thing I have... I  have a hard time grasping the fact that there are many people who need help but yet no one lends a hand  because they are afraid? But afraid of what I wonder, helping? feeling good about themselves? Fear of not being paid back how ever they feel it should be? I wonder.. I would give someone the shirt off my back if they so needed it.. Does this make me a fool? Most likely, but I believe that maybe one day if I continue letting people treat me like shit when I am nice to them I will in the end finally catch a break? who knows.. its a funny thing this life..... I will continue to struggle and I will continue to wonder but I will never stop lending a hand even if it takes a meal from my own mouth, my last penny out of my pocket, as long as I don't take away from my kids I have no worries helping someone out. I just wish it were time to cut me a break now, Im sorry if this seems like a complaint or a rant or whatever I am seriously just writing what was on my mind.. hoping that maybe someone else sees things the way I do. :)

To Late

His eyes are steel, his heart is gold, he won't let me in he wants to stay cold
his fire burns with passion and rage, his lips are lush a deep scarlet, I want to touch,
he backs away, scared to feel, scared to heal, scared to lose sight of what is real,
love is a fantasy, a game of such, it is for fools who like to think to much, what he wants is raw
undeniably forbidden, but what he has inside must stay hidden, he wants to push away the
pain, he wants to distort the line that she drew, what he wants is an unadulterated comfortable screw
She does not want to hide anymore, she wants to feel all of him, she wants to settle the score, she knows he
can't let her in, she fell in love with him, this is her immortal sin, She broke all her rules, she let herself go,
she fell so hard its time to reap what she sowed, her heart beats faster with her every breath they are nose
to nose her hands are tied so she can not touch, his eyes are bright with pure lust, she is conflicted to open
her mouth to speak, he reads her mind and brings his finger to her lips, he could not bear to hear the sound
of her voice, She simply can not know what it does to him, He had to make this choice for his own
protection, She lowers her eyes to the floor when he speaks his words baby you know, she looks back at him
tears in her eyes, he will never love her and this is goodbye, but for one last hour she will embed him in her memory, his touch, his scent, his everything, She offers herself to him for one last time, He takes his cue and he lets himself unwind, the passion, the fury the pain of it all, he buries himself in to her emotions unknown,
Something that night changed in him, something that he was unable to show, when she looked in his eyes even though she didn't want to, she let him go, Her decision was made, he would never love her this she does know so as he fell asleep silently in the bed, she left a note by his head, Thank you for the times we shared, thank you for the memories, thank you for saving me from a life of destruction, but I know you could never love someone like me, society would never approve, I don't belong in your world, I realized tonight, I will lose this fight, business turned into more, I can no longer continue being your whore. He woke with a jolt, saw the note that she wrote, with tears in his eyes he realized all the lies he ever told himself were to protect her from him, he didn't think that he could ever be everything for her, she was a beautiful woman, in every way she made him smile, I never showed her for fear of heartbreak, Men fall in love to he said a loud and he crumpled the paper and threw it away and looked out the window searching for her face, Knowing she was long gone by now, he turned and started to pace, he was angry and hurt all the things he tried to avoid, he let her in and didn't even know it, he looks to the door and the words fall from his lips, I love you, but now he knows its just to late.

As I Bitch

I was sitting here bitching about the fact that I didn't sleep well last night and I was up way to early and its really my own fault but I am also very thankful that I stayed up late by choice, not because of pain, I am also grateful that this morning I opened my eyes another day to see my family and hug and kiss them one more time. I am thankful for the ability to sit here and speak and type because I know so many people out there can not do this. I often sit  back and put things into perspective and just be happy and smile. Smiling is the best form of medicine. Its free and you never know a smile could make someone's day better. I always take the time to smile and say hi to someone just because I'm sure their battle is far greater then the battles I face in a day. I took a moment to reflect on some things said to me last night by a selfish little 16 year old girl who has a hard life given but so angry and mean. Calling me a horrible mother, a horrible person, degrading my children before she even knew any facts about me and I couldn't imagine being that angry. I tried to talk and reason with her and in the end all her name calling, all her attitude all her delusional insults have made me even a stronger person today. I need to just  be thankful for everything I have and everything I do because no matter what she said to me, no matter how late I stayed up or even how tired i am right now. I get to feel these raw feelings because some people just do not get that opportunity today.

Hmmm what to say

I am going to give this blogging thing a go again. I have time on my hands now. I am hoping to share myself with you all. Some of you may find me interesting, other's not so much. In my own personal opinion I am not an interesting person. My life is NOT interesting, but its my life and the only one I got so why not share with the world? I'm hoping that this blog will help me get the courage up to share what I write with the world. I just do not think that I am close to good enough. I am not afraid of criticism as long as its constructive but I do not tolerate mean and that holds me back. There is a saying out there by Harriet Woods and it goes " You can stand tall without standing on someone, You can be a victor without having victims." I firmly believe that this is a statement to live by. So with all fingers and toes crossed I will hopefully work the courage up to post some of my stuff here.. Maybe I will start small and write some poetry. I am pretty decent at that At least I like to think so. I guess I will have to let you all be the judge when I get there. :) Thanks for reading. I hope you find a reason to smile today. 

Jose Nunez "Bilingual" (with lyrics) // You fucking me makes me bilingual