My thoughts for this afternoon.

I look at life as a big bowl of jelly really, sometimes you get stuck but for the most part you wiggle your way through. Sometimes you don't know if you can pull another breath from your lungs but yet manage it some how. It's an eternal struggle to keep smiling when you don't know when your next meal will be or if you are going to be warm on the cold night, or even if you children see how poor you are. It's a struggle everyday to make sure they don't feel the strain or the responsibility of what you are going through. The main goal needs to be keeping them healthy, happy and safe. Its a struggle to do that sometimes but yet you always manage to do this. You always manage to wiggle through this jelly that keeps getting sticky. I know that it was a choice to have kids, I know that this was risk to have kids, but never in my life did I ever feel that I was going to have to go hungry to feed them, or huddle under the blankets to keep them warm or hide the tears of being a failure and make them laugh instead. I have to agree with Frank Zappa he once said  "the illusion of freedom will continue, as long as it's profitable to continue the illusion. At the point when the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will take down the scenery, they will pull back the curtains, they will move the tables and chairs out of the way and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theater." He knew this was gonna happen and I'm sure people laughed at him. I have to say the reason for the struggles we are faced with everyday is due to the government finally pulling back that curtain and asking us if we are enjoying the show. Personally, I am not enjoying the struggle that has been introduced and I am surely not the only one here. I am not complaining really, I am just sitting back here thinking that I didn't sign up for this and neither has anyone else that has to struggle daily like I do. I get tired of it makes you stronger, it builds character, it makes you appreciate the little things etc.... Ok but here I am thinking, I was strong I am getting weak, my character was pretty damn good before this, I appreciated everything from the air I breathe to the most materialistic thing I have... I  have a hard time grasping the fact that there are many people who need help but yet no one lends a hand  because they are afraid? But afraid of what I wonder, helping? feeling good about themselves? Fear of not being paid back how ever they feel it should be? I wonder.. I would give someone the shirt off my back if they so needed it.. Does this make me a fool? Most likely, but I believe that maybe one day if I continue letting people treat me like shit when I am nice to them I will in the end finally catch a break? who knows.. its a funny thing this life..... I will continue to struggle and I will continue to wonder but I will never stop lending a hand even if it takes a meal from my own mouth, my last penny out of my pocket, as long as I don't take away from my kids I have no worries helping someone out. I just wish it were time to cut me a break now, Im sorry if this seems like a complaint or a rant or whatever I am seriously just writing what was on my mind.. hoping that maybe someone else sees things the way I do. :)