Vindictive

adjective

1.

disposed or inclined to revenge; vengeful: a vindictive person.

2.

proceeding from or showing a revengeful spirit: vindictiverumors.

This is not something I take lightly, but recently I have been given a full on dose of it and I have had to sit back and watch things fall apart and I am not exactly ok with it. I have a few people who have chose to dislike me and some family choose to disown me. Yeah I was hurt for awhile but I soon overlooked the type of people who were doing this and shrugged it off.  Now I can not pinpoint exactly who tried to flip my life upside down but I have an idea. 

Anyone who knows me know that my kids are my world. I would give anything to make sure they were safe, fed, clean, clothed and happy. I may not have the money I want to spend on them or the ability to feed them everything I want them to be fed but they are happy and content with life as it is. They do not know I am poor. Sometimes I think that they might but if they do they don't let on that they are upset by this fact. I simply just make sure that what they ask for they get at some point in time. Sometimes that means I go hungry for a couple days or I go with out new socks, or clothes at that matter. It doesn't bother me. I try my best to help them fit in with their fellow peers at school and I'm doing pretty damn good I say. Ok I am not doing it myself my husband is the one who brings in all the money and I am the one who raises the kids.  Still no matter how you look at it , its ONE income for a family of 6 and we are happy. Struggle is our motto but Happy is the motto of the kids.  So what would possess one to call child services on me? Jealousy? Hatred?  I don't know but in the midst of trying to make Christmas I now have to deal with this. There is nothing that can be done to me, but the fear that was embedded in my kids is beyond my own imagination. They just had a friend of theirs taken away from their mum and it was 3 kids and they were split up and my babies saw the destruction of one family unfold right in front of their eyes. So, here I sit everyday explaining to them that this will not happen to them but truly one wrong call from someone could do this. As their friends were taken away on a horrible lie. Now that mother is fighting to gain her life back with her kids and its been 2 years and they are still in the system even after all the investigations have cleared. I don't get it. If people want to mess with me fine but my kids? That is the lowest thing I have ever seen anyone do. I don't deserve this and neither do they. I couldn't imagine doing this to my worst enemy.  

So this is what the world comes to?  We hate someone so we have to do something so severe to mess up their family, their lives? I sorta wish i knew what I did so bad to these people to want to mess with my kids like this. The only thing I can think of is that these people  were not getting to me. I wasn't letting their snide comments, their horrible looks or even their existence bother me. I looked them in the eye when I was face to face with them. I nodded in acknowledgement as well. Some say its because I wasn't victim to their bullshit, others say it was because I was killing them with kindness. I definitely wasn't doing either just being myself even if they did hate me. I would have still helped them if they needed it. So there is something else that comes to mind, does this happen when one no longer has the means to reach out, when the one that helps was the one that actually needed help for once? I wish I could figure it out. I will probably drive myself crazy if I sit here and rack my brain, but one thing I am sure of is this is definitely not going to kill me. I have been through worse than this and survived, but I am so over trying to be nice to everyone, trying to have friends simply because I get burnt every time, but yet I still do not learn. Why is this? 

It because I love and trust way to much and way to quickly. I wear my heart on my sleeve and as long as it didn't take from my kids I would give my last penny to someone who needed it. Call me stupid, call me naive in a world as such today but I truly believe that if you pay it forward you will receive more in the end. The end of what I don't know. Even through all the heartache I have undergone I know I have come out on top and stronger then I was before. I know that just about the time I am ready to give up and throw in the towel something good happen, something good comes along and restores my faith in humanity. I  know after this I want to change, but if I change then I lose the best part of me. I guess I could guard myself but I think again I would lose the battle because I am just too kind. 

Thanks for reading. I just needed to vent a little bit. Im not perfect, I do not claim to be a saint, but I am a very happy person, I am a very strong person and I think that this world needs more people like me and less bitter people. I'm goofy, I'm obsessive, I'm crazy but I'm lovely. Smile at someone, you could change their life.