Happy Birthday

Its been nearly 8 years you left this earth. I miss you every single day I wake and take a breath. I miss your smile, smell, hugs and love, but today I try to not be so sad when I think about you partying in heaven with Jesus. :) Happy Birthday Nana. I will miss you, forever. Till we meet again. Cheers!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8W44Ndo0mm4

Never enough words

There are never enough words to express gratitude, love, heartache etc... why is that I wonder. I wonder about this because there are so many people I am thankful for yet I never have enough words or emotions to thank them. I always feel that I need to do something in return but never seem to know the right things to do. I am not crafty, I don't sew, knit, crochet, draw etc.. I bake occasionally, I write. I am a very grateful person for people who have done things for me, for people who have been there for me in my darkest hours. I just can't seem to express how amazing I feel about some of these people. A few of them I have never even met personally they are just online. So I ask myself all the time.... what can one do to show appreciation? I'm a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a tear to cry with, a smile, confidence to boost you,  but is that enough?  There is never enough words or actions when you are truly grateful for people. I'm hoping one day when I am face to face with some of these people I admire and cherish as friends that my hug will more then enough be sincere to show them that they mean the world to me and Thank you.

Hello 2012

Well, the new year is upon us and I can only hope that the warm weather, the sunshine that kissed my face as I woke up this morning and the smiles from all my kids and husband are a sign that the year to come will be calm cool and collected. If not I am sure I will  be woooosaaaaing A LOT.. lmao.. Well as promised I said my first post of 2012 will be on how my grandfathers are an inspiration to me. Let me start with my maternal grandfather. I call him pappie. This man worked hard his whole life to provide for his family. He worked hard. He was a mechanic. When they sold his garage  and he retired along with his brothers, they decided to work with him at his home and fix cars in their spare time at the garage at his home. He was a trusted mechanic that did his work well and was very respected. He is a Christan man but in no means hypocritical. He doesn't preach he just thanks the lord everyday for his life and his family. He has 4 kids, 7 grandchildren and 11 great grandchildren. The irony is my paternal grandfather has the same amount of grand and great grandchildren. lol  Unfortunately, when my pappie was 73 tragedy struck us. He was shoveling snow off of his flat roof garage. Miscounted his steps and resulted in a 20 foot plunge to what he thought was his death but worse in some ways. He broke his back. He is now paralyzed from the waste down. I could never imagine having my legs for 73years only to have them taken from me. This event was touch and go for about a week. Then we were told he would NEVER walk again. This man took it with pride and hasn't slowed down. He learned to drive again, he travels still and he built his own harnesses to hoist and hold him up to work on cars to mow his lawn and he is even at 80 years old trying to develop his own set of legs so he can walk again. This hasn't slowed him down. He has applied for stem cell research and so on but because of his age no one wants to consider him. So he is taking it upon himself to walk again. It isn't because he hasn't accepted it, I believe it is because he wants to continue living. It seems though as much as his life slowed him down he still continues to smile and carry on. Every time i think things are bad I think about him and I mentally slap myself because dammit if he can be happy and carry on after everything that happen to him.... I sure as hell could keep my chin up right? His will, his character and his perseverance is such an inspiration and fills me with an insatiable need to keep moving on.
My Paternal Grandfather.. I call him Pop Pop in unbelievable. He has been a constant in my life from a newborn on. He helped my mum out when my dad split, He and my nana were ALWAYS there. He didn't have an easy life growing up. in 1942 he was drafted only to be sent home as the only surviving son after his brother had been killed in a school bus accident after an away football game. Also during that time he had been with my grandmother for 2 years. When he came home he had a lot of responsibility. He had sisters he had to help take care of and among other things he still juggled a girlfriend. He never had it easy.NEVER. Then when he married my nana (still the same love he had in 1940) They were going to be faced with struggles and obstacles beyond belief but their love managed to get them through the worst of times. He was forced into early retirement because of his health. He suffered 2 heart attacks before he turned 40. They had 4 children. His soul was ripped away from him 8 years ago when my Nana suddenly passed away. She had a brain aneurysm  I thought he was not going to be far behind her. He loved her so very much and after 64 years with someone you sorta don't know how to go on with out that constant in your life. He made a promise to her many years ago that he would continue living no matter what happen to her. His goal was to live to be a 100 years old. He  was just released about 2 years ago from his cardiologist because never in his career had he ever seen a heart that suffered 2 heart attacks ever come back to 100% and not look like any damage was done. Essentially, I believe that she healed his heart to push him closer to his goal. He is 85 years old and the dr says he is as healthy as a 65 year old man. He smiles all the time and rubs her urn and says Im gonna do it honey. Im gonna see all our great grandkids graduate. I say he is pushing it because Liem is just a year old now. He laughs and me and always says "Watch me." I feel I contribute to his want because I give him challenges.. He is so very very very proud of his grandchildren and great grandchildren.  The man radiates love and affection and adoration. When you see him smile you simply can not help but smile back at him. This man inspires me to be everything I can be simply because he believes in ME. I love these two men with every fiber of being in my body. I can't and don't want to imagine life without them but i know even after they are going to continue being my inspiration. My Nana is another story she was my best friend and that post will come another day, but these 2 men, They are my hero's and while they don't wear capes or have super powers their love and acceptance is more then I could ever ask for. To you Pappie and Pop Pop I Love you more then you could ever imagine.

Farewell 2011

To sit back and say that this year wasn't a struggle would be lie. Fact of the matter is it was a hell of a struggle but I am not bitter because the outcome of this year has been absolutely amazing too. The year started out grand and the slow decline began. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer mid year. I knew something was wrong and I caught this at the earliest stage possible, I had it taken care of.. I am proud to say that at the end of the year there is no trace of cancer left in my body. Now that doesn't mean I will always remain out of the woods but dammit I punched that in the face, In the midst of all that there was family drama. I have learned that people who are supposed to love and tell you they love you don't always and that is OK because I am better off without these people, I have also learned that friends who claim to love you don't always love you either. Sometimes when things aren't in their favour they have to cause problems. We will get to that later. Also, after the surgery I had my family and I were introduced to some really brilliant people. My husband became a volunteer firefighter and we were accepted and loved by some of the greatest people. We quickly became part of the family. <3 So continuing on the emotional roller coaster my so called friends decided to turn their back on me and do some really unforgivable things. Like they tried to have my children taken from me. Making accusations beyond my own belief. Luckily, they didn't win that. the case worker saw right through those accusations. This started the end of the year to be complete win because they are experiencing some nasty stuff coming back around but i will not sit and laugh. I will not stand and cheer as I can be victor without stepping on them like they tried to do to me.I crossed paths this year with some amazing, intelligent and sweet people. They have given me confidence, they have brought a smile to my face when I didn't know if there was a smile to be had. My children have been my biggest supporters and I wouldn't be here writing this without them. They have made me smile, laugh, cry, angry and yet I sit here and look back and think I love them for that.  My husband my goodness I wouldn't know where I would be without him all these years and this year being the toughest yet he is the absolute solid rock in my life. He is my heart and soul, my peace and solace, my creativity and my hindering, he is my everything. I love learning that everyday I think I have nothing left to give him he steals yet another piece of me. I can not ever and nor do I want to imagine life without him. I have the confidence and courage now to chase my dreams because life is too short and has been proven to me that there is no discrimination in the age that you can be taken from it. My friend Sherry told me one time that I was the strongest person she knew, Thank you Sherry I love you and I believe you now. Sherry, please don't ever think that you don't make a difference or that no one cares because YOU have made a huge difference in my life and have impacted me with your passion and understanding. You are a  rare gem and I never want to lose that.  Debra, brings the biggest smile to my face because I believe in her and everything she does and stands for. Debra is simply an amazing person. My mother and father are also here in the mix somewhere because with out them.... I wouldn't be here writing. My hero's Pop Pop and Pappy, punch life in the face everyday they are alive and let me tell you those men are simply amazing and I am going to make my first post of 2012 telling you about them and their influence on me. So with this year ending on a high note I leave you 2011 with a smile on my face and love in my heart I simply can not wait to say goodbye but not bitterly because bitter is no longer a word in my vocabulary. I will say thank you for proving to me that I am strong and I am worth it. Happy New Year to all who read this.

Angry

Im angry at the fact that people have to try and trample on others for reasons unknown. What is it about misery loves company that people find so comforting? Is it not simpler to just be happy? If you dislike someone ignore them. If you have had a falling out with someone MOVE ON, don't try to continue to make their life hard by childish antic's. There really is no need for hostility. I think that if one is minding their own business then let them be. Don't bring their children into your fight. They are innocent. To do what you can to have happy healthy children removed from their environment is beyond wrong. It's not cool and what satisfaction is received from it? I can't express my anger that people are doing this to me. DO I care if you like me NO, do I care that you talk about me NO that to me just proves that you have a small, tiny mind. I don't care that my name is on your tongue or that I am in your thoughts, I usually don't give you a passing thought or glance but you are making it impossible for me to ignore you with the trouble you are causing me.  I don't care that you make more money then I do and I don't care if you are jealous that I have more then you. I don't care that you think of me as shit but what I do care about more then anything in this entire world are my kids. They do not deserve your wrath. They do not deserve to be afraid that they will not be allowed to come home or that they are going to have to live with someone else that they do not know. They do not deserve to be sad especially this close to Christmas because you are selfish and small minded and miserable. You say you have a happy life... THEN GO LIVE IT and leave mine alone. For god's sake leave my kids alone. You can only poke and prod mama bear before she attacks.... I know this is what you are trying to do and guess what YOU WILL NOT WIN. If you have to bring me down this much and this hard it meant that I was way above you already. 

Vindictive

adjective

1.

disposed or inclined to revenge; vengeful: a vindictive person.

2.

proceeding from or showing a revengeful spirit: vindictiverumors.

This is not something I take lightly, but recently I have been given a full on dose of it and I have had to sit back and watch things fall apart and I am not exactly ok with it. I have a few people who have chose to dislike me and some family choose to disown me. Yeah I was hurt for awhile but I soon overlooked the type of people who were doing this and shrugged it off.  Now I can not pinpoint exactly who tried to flip my life upside down but I have an idea. 

Anyone who knows me know that my kids are my world. I would give anything to make sure they were safe, fed, clean, clothed and happy. I may not have the money I want to spend on them or the ability to feed them everything I want them to be fed but they are happy and content with life as it is. They do not know I am poor. Sometimes I think that they might but if they do they don't let on that they are upset by this fact. I simply just make sure that what they ask for they get at some point in time. Sometimes that means I go hungry for a couple days or I go with out new socks, or clothes at that matter. It doesn't bother me. I try my best to help them fit in with their fellow peers at school and I'm doing pretty damn good I say. Ok I am not doing it myself my husband is the one who brings in all the money and I am the one who raises the kids.  Still no matter how you look at it , its ONE income for a family of 6 and we are happy. Struggle is our motto but Happy is the motto of the kids.  So what would possess one to call child services on me? Jealousy? Hatred?  I don't know but in the midst of trying to make Christmas I now have to deal with this. There is nothing that can be done to me, but the fear that was embedded in my kids is beyond my own imagination. They just had a friend of theirs taken away from their mum and it was 3 kids and they were split up and my babies saw the destruction of one family unfold right in front of their eyes. So, here I sit everyday explaining to them that this will not happen to them but truly one wrong call from someone could do this. As their friends were taken away on a horrible lie. Now that mother is fighting to gain her life back with her kids and its been 2 years and they are still in the system even after all the investigations have cleared. I don't get it. If people want to mess with me fine but my kids? That is the lowest thing I have ever seen anyone do. I don't deserve this and neither do they. I couldn't imagine doing this to my worst enemy.  

So this is what the world comes to?  We hate someone so we have to do something so severe to mess up their family, their lives? I sorta wish i knew what I did so bad to these people to want to mess with my kids like this. The only thing I can think of is that these people  were not getting to me. I wasn't letting their snide comments, their horrible looks or even their existence bother me. I looked them in the eye when I was face to face with them. I nodded in acknowledgement as well. Some say its because I wasn't victim to their bullshit, others say it was because I was killing them with kindness. I definitely wasn't doing either just being myself even if they did hate me. I would have still helped them if they needed it. So there is something else that comes to mind, does this happen when one no longer has the means to reach out, when the one that helps was the one that actually needed help for once? I wish I could figure it out. I will probably drive myself crazy if I sit here and rack my brain, but one thing I am sure of is this is definitely not going to kill me. I have been through worse than this and survived, but I am so over trying to be nice to everyone, trying to have friends simply because I get burnt every time, but yet I still do not learn. Why is this? 

It because I love and trust way to much and way to quickly. I wear my heart on my sleeve and as long as it didn't take from my kids I would give my last penny to someone who needed it. Call me stupid, call me naive in a world as such today but I truly believe that if you pay it forward you will receive more in the end. The end of what I don't know. Even through all the heartache I have undergone I know I have come out on top and stronger then I was before. I know that just about the time I am ready to give up and throw in the towel something good happen, something good comes along and restores my faith in humanity. I  know after this I want to change, but if I change then I lose the best part of me. I guess I could guard myself but I think again I would lose the battle because I am just too kind. 

Thanks for reading. I just needed to vent a little bit. Im not perfect, I do not claim to be a saint, but I am a very happy person, I am a very strong person and I think that this world needs more people like me and less bitter people. I'm goofy, I'm obsessive, I'm crazy but I'm lovely. Smile at someone, you could change their life. 

You Can't Fake Love.

You can't fake love, no matter how hard you try. You can't look at them the same way with a smile that hits your eyes, if it is fake its like a blank stare. You think you are fooling everyone around but you don't. The only one you fool is yourself. Fake love is just as bad and no love at all. Its misleading and hurtful and you can feel alone. Fake love leaves you wanting and needing. Those to feelings alone are dreadful. Sometimes we need to sit back and assess what is right in front of us.. What is behind us and what is worth moving forward for. Real love is a give and take a 100% of the time, real love fulfills you with a feeling of accomplishment and makes you feel that your heart is going to burst. You look at your lover like he/she is this higher being of existence. You feel invincible like nothing can hurt you. When you smile it reaches your eyes and its that moment that you realize that you could never live without them. That is real love.