Farewell 2011

To sit back and say that this year wasn't a struggle would be lie. Fact of the matter is it was a hell of a struggle but I am not bitter because the outcome of this year has been absolutely amazing too. The year started out grand and the slow decline began. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer mid year. I knew something was wrong and I caught this at the earliest stage possible, I had it taken care of.. I am proud to say that at the end of the year there is no trace of cancer left in my body. Now that doesn't mean I will always remain out of the woods but dammit I punched that in the face, In the midst of all that there was family drama. I have learned that people who are supposed to love and tell you they love you don't always and that is OK because I am better off without these people, I have also learned that friends who claim to love you don't always love you either. Sometimes when things aren't in their favour they have to cause problems. We will get to that later. Also, after the surgery I had my family and I were introduced to some really brilliant people. My husband became a volunteer firefighter and we were accepted and loved by some of the greatest people. We quickly became part of the family. <3 So continuing on the emotional roller coaster my so called friends decided to turn their back on me and do some really unforgivable things. Like they tried to have my children taken from me. Making accusations beyond my own belief. Luckily, they didn't win that. the case worker saw right through those accusations. This started the end of the year to be complete win because they are experiencing some nasty stuff coming back around but i will not sit and laugh. I will not stand and cheer as I can be victor without stepping on them like they tried to do to me.I crossed paths this year with some amazing, intelligent and sweet people. They have given me confidence, they have brought a smile to my face when I didn't know if there was a smile to be had. My children have been my biggest supporters and I wouldn't be here writing this without them. They have made me smile, laugh, cry, angry and yet I sit here and look back and think I love them for that.  My husband my goodness I wouldn't know where I would be without him all these years and this year being the toughest yet he is the absolute solid rock in my life. He is my heart and soul, my peace and solace, my creativity and my hindering, he is my everything. I love learning that everyday I think I have nothing left to give him he steals yet another piece of me. I can not ever and nor do I want to imagine life without him. I have the confidence and courage now to chase my dreams because life is too short and has been proven to me that there is no discrimination in the age that you can be taken from it. My friend Sherry told me one time that I was the strongest person she knew, Thank you Sherry I love you and I believe you now. Sherry, please don't ever think that you don't make a difference or that no one cares because YOU have made a huge difference in my life and have impacted me with your passion and understanding. You are a  rare gem and I never want to lose that.  Debra, brings the biggest smile to my face because I believe in her and everything she does and stands for. Debra is simply an amazing person. My mother and father are also here in the mix somewhere because with out them.... I wouldn't be here writing. My hero's Pop Pop and Pappy, punch life in the face everyday they are alive and let me tell you those men are simply amazing and I am going to make my first post of 2012 telling you about them and their influence on me. So with this year ending on a high note I leave you 2011 with a smile on my face and love in my heart I simply can not wait to say goodbye but not bitterly because bitter is no longer a word in my vocabulary. I will say thank you for proving to me that I am strong and I am worth it. Happy New Year to all who read this.

Angry

Im angry at the fact that people have to try and trample on others for reasons unknown. What is it about misery loves company that people find so comforting? Is it not simpler to just be happy? If you dislike someone ignore them. If you have had a falling out with someone MOVE ON, don't try to continue to make their life hard by childish antic's. There really is no need for hostility. I think that if one is minding their own business then let them be. Don't bring their children into your fight. They are innocent. To do what you can to have happy healthy children removed from their environment is beyond wrong. It's not cool and what satisfaction is received from it? I can't express my anger that people are doing this to me. DO I care if you like me NO, do I care that you talk about me NO that to me just proves that you have a small, tiny mind. I don't care that my name is on your tongue or that I am in your thoughts, I usually don't give you a passing thought or glance but you are making it impossible for me to ignore you with the trouble you are causing me.  I don't care that you make more money then I do and I don't care if you are jealous that I have more then you. I don't care that you think of me as shit but what I do care about more then anything in this entire world are my kids. They do not deserve your wrath. They do not deserve to be afraid that they will not be allowed to come home or that they are going to have to live with someone else that they do not know. They do not deserve to be sad especially this close to Christmas because you are selfish and small minded and miserable. You say you have a happy life... THEN GO LIVE IT and leave mine alone. For god's sake leave my kids alone. You can only poke and prod mama bear before she attacks.... I know this is what you are trying to do and guess what YOU WILL NOT WIN. If you have to bring me down this much and this hard it meant that I was way above you already. 

Vindictive

adjective

1.

disposed or inclined to revenge; vengeful: a vindictive person.

2.

proceeding from or showing a revengeful spirit: vindictiverumors.

This is not something I take lightly, but recently I have been given a full on dose of it and I have had to sit back and watch things fall apart and I am not exactly ok with it. I have a few people who have chose to dislike me and some family choose to disown me. Yeah I was hurt for awhile but I soon overlooked the type of people who were doing this and shrugged it off.  Now I can not pinpoint exactly who tried to flip my life upside down but I have an idea. 

Anyone who knows me know that my kids are my world. I would give anything to make sure they were safe, fed, clean, clothed and happy. I may not have the money I want to spend on them or the ability to feed them everything I want them to be fed but they are happy and content with life as it is. They do not know I am poor. Sometimes I think that they might but if they do they don't let on that they are upset by this fact. I simply just make sure that what they ask for they get at some point in time. Sometimes that means I go hungry for a couple days or I go with out new socks, or clothes at that matter. It doesn't bother me. I try my best to help them fit in with their fellow peers at school and I'm doing pretty damn good I say. Ok I am not doing it myself my husband is the one who brings in all the money and I am the one who raises the kids.  Still no matter how you look at it , its ONE income for a family of 6 and we are happy. Struggle is our motto but Happy is the motto of the kids.  So what would possess one to call child services on me? Jealousy? Hatred?  I don't know but in the midst of trying to make Christmas I now have to deal with this. There is nothing that can be done to me, but the fear that was embedded in my kids is beyond my own imagination. They just had a friend of theirs taken away from their mum and it was 3 kids and they were split up and my babies saw the destruction of one family unfold right in front of their eyes. So, here I sit everyday explaining to them that this will not happen to them but truly one wrong call from someone could do this. As their friends were taken away on a horrible lie. Now that mother is fighting to gain her life back with her kids and its been 2 years and they are still in the system even after all the investigations have cleared. I don't get it. If people want to mess with me fine but my kids? That is the lowest thing I have ever seen anyone do. I don't deserve this and neither do they. I couldn't imagine doing this to my worst enemy.  

So this is what the world comes to?  We hate someone so we have to do something so severe to mess up their family, their lives? I sorta wish i knew what I did so bad to these people to want to mess with my kids like this. The only thing I can think of is that these people  were not getting to me. I wasn't letting their snide comments, their horrible looks or even their existence bother me. I looked them in the eye when I was face to face with them. I nodded in acknowledgement as well. Some say its because I wasn't victim to their bullshit, others say it was because I was killing them with kindness. I definitely wasn't doing either just being myself even if they did hate me. I would have still helped them if they needed it. So there is something else that comes to mind, does this happen when one no longer has the means to reach out, when the one that helps was the one that actually needed help for once? I wish I could figure it out. I will probably drive myself crazy if I sit here and rack my brain, but one thing I am sure of is this is definitely not going to kill me. I have been through worse than this and survived, but I am so over trying to be nice to everyone, trying to have friends simply because I get burnt every time, but yet I still do not learn. Why is this? 

It because I love and trust way to much and way to quickly. I wear my heart on my sleeve and as long as it didn't take from my kids I would give my last penny to someone who needed it. Call me stupid, call me naive in a world as such today but I truly believe that if you pay it forward you will receive more in the end. The end of what I don't know. Even through all the heartache I have undergone I know I have come out on top and stronger then I was before. I know that just about the time I am ready to give up and throw in the towel something good happen, something good comes along and restores my faith in humanity. I  know after this I want to change, but if I change then I lose the best part of me. I guess I could guard myself but I think again I would lose the battle because I am just too kind. 

Thanks for reading. I just needed to vent a little bit. Im not perfect, I do not claim to be a saint, but I am a very happy person, I am a very strong person and I think that this world needs more people like me and less bitter people. I'm goofy, I'm obsessive, I'm crazy but I'm lovely. Smile at someone, you could change their life. 

You Can't Fake Love.

You can't fake love, no matter how hard you try. You can't look at them the same way with a smile that hits your eyes, if it is fake its like a blank stare. You think you are fooling everyone around but you don't. The only one you fool is yourself. Fake love is just as bad and no love at all. Its misleading and hurtful and you can feel alone. Fake love leaves you wanting and needing. Those to feelings alone are dreadful. Sometimes we need to sit back and assess what is right in front of us.. What is behind us and what is worth moving forward for. Real love is a give and take a 100% of the time, real love fulfills you with a feeling of accomplishment and makes you feel that your heart is going to burst. You look at your lover like he/she is this higher being of existence. You feel invincible like nothing can hurt you. When you smile it reaches your eyes and its that moment that you realize that you could never live without them. That is real love.

This is what breaks my heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRXjqpfOnS0

This is emotional. Problem is ignorance will never go away. I wish that we lived in a world where people could be who they are without the fear of being teased. I think that anyone who experiences this they need to speak out. I mean you will never stop bullies NEVER they have been around longer then the word itself but seriously speak out rise above hate and accept the world for what it is.. Everyone fights a battle so who are you to bring them down with hurtful words? Smile at someone today it could change their life. Also the more we encourage kids to speak out I think the more lives we will save. There are way to many young brilliant souls being lost to this. Suicide is NOT an option lets help these kids. Some say you don't know how to help them... How about starting with parenting skills. Teach compassion, empathy, LOVE, acceptance only then can we start changing the world.. One kid, one adult, we can't do it alone we have to band together and make a global movement..... Lets start with our own hearts and go from there. 

Insatiable Love

My thoughts for you are a little scattered, my need for you is driving me mad, I miss you so much when you are not near, I feel lost without you here, I need your touch, kisses, and stuff. I need to feel your breath upon my neck, you lips upon my skin, I want to hear you whisper my name I want you to repeat it over and over again. I wish I could crawl inside your chest and be with you always. Its suffocating how much I love you.

My thoughts for this afternoon.

I look at life as a big bowl of jelly really, sometimes you get stuck but for the most part you wiggle your way through. Sometimes you don't know if you can pull another breath from your lungs but yet manage it some how. It's an eternal struggle to keep smiling when you don't know when your next meal will be or if you are going to be warm on the cold night, or even if you children see how poor you are. It's a struggle everyday to make sure they don't feel the strain or the responsibility of what you are going through. The main goal needs to be keeping them healthy, happy and safe. Its a struggle to do that sometimes but yet you always manage to do this. You always manage to wiggle through this jelly that keeps getting sticky. I know that it was a choice to have kids, I know that this was risk to have kids, but never in my life did I ever feel that I was going to have to go hungry to feed them, or huddle under the blankets to keep them warm or hide the tears of being a failure and make them laugh instead. I have to agree with Frank Zappa he once said  "the illusion of freedom will continue, as long as it's profitable to continue the illusion. At the point when the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will take down the scenery, they will pull back the curtains, they will move the tables and chairs out of the way and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theater." He knew this was gonna happen and I'm sure people laughed at him. I have to say the reason for the struggles we are faced with everyday is due to the government finally pulling back that curtain and asking us if we are enjoying the show. Personally, I am not enjoying the struggle that has been introduced and I am surely not the only one here. I am not complaining really, I am just sitting back here thinking that I didn't sign up for this and neither has anyone else that has to struggle daily like I do. I get tired of it makes you stronger, it builds character, it makes you appreciate the little things etc.... Ok but here I am thinking, I was strong I am getting weak, my character was pretty damn good before this, I appreciated everything from the air I breathe to the most materialistic thing I have... I  have a hard time grasping the fact that there are many people who need help but yet no one lends a hand  because they are afraid? But afraid of what I wonder, helping? feeling good about themselves? Fear of not being paid back how ever they feel it should be? I wonder.. I would give someone the shirt off my back if they so needed it.. Does this make me a fool? Most likely, but I believe that maybe one day if I continue letting people treat me like shit when I am nice to them I will in the end finally catch a break? who knows.. its a funny thing this life..... I will continue to struggle and I will continue to wonder but I will never stop lending a hand even if it takes a meal from my own mouth, my last penny out of my pocket, as long as I don't take away from my kids I have no worries helping someone out. I just wish it were time to cut me a break now, Im sorry if this seems like a complaint or a rant or whatever I am seriously just writing what was on my mind.. hoping that maybe someone else sees things the way I do. :)